Defining “Narcissism” or “Narcissist” As a Healer

Why do we need to define or redefine it?

There have been a plethora of articles, videos, books, references, podcasts and posts on social media about the two words; “narcissism” and “narcissist.” In this article I hope to explain and change the way we view these labels by explaining the clinical meanings as well as meanings coming from a compassionate and empathetic place. We could all use more empathy and kindness. This in no way is to excuse behavior or to invalidate anyone’s experience. This is also not to point fingers at others who have labeled others with these names. I try to use my empathy and compassion in everything I do. I understand the importance of giving behaviors and experiences language so that we can all talk about it and understand. Again, I feel there are better ways of labeling and explaining we can do. Labels are what can produce positive and negative feelings.

Who am I?

I am a mental health therapist and now a life coach for spiritual and psychology learning. I have over 20 years of experience as a therapist and started my own private practice in 2013. I mainly work with anxiety, depression, trauma, ADHD, and attachment styles. I have started a coaching business to merge counseling and spirituality together. I have read many books, listened to podcasts, took classes on, watched You Tube Videos and practiced tarot, astrological birth chart reading, astro projection, Shamanism, Soul Retrieval theories Twin Flames, reiki, yoga, mediumship, empaths, spiritual awakening/dark night of the soul, etc. For further details see: Bio Page.

My website for my blog is: healerthatwaswounded.com , my FB page is: https://www.facebook.com/healerthatwaswounded and my private FB page is: https://www.facebook.com/groups/276180276809467.

My private practice info can be found here: www.letsconquerthis.com or on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/CounselingServicesOfMichelleAdler.

Different definitions of the word “narcissist”

Currently people are using the word “narcissist” to describe someone they have been in a relationship with who was not taking responsibility, blaming them, shutting off their feelings, love bombing, creating a trauma bond with people, saying and doing really mean and hurtful things, and inflating their self-esteem. Here is the Urban Dictionary definition that using the term “love bombing” to describe behavior that “narcissists” use: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Narcissist . In psychology and more specifically in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) it is defined as a personality disorder.

In psychology, clinically speaking

The DSM is a tool professionals in mental health use to explain symptoms and diagnoses that help use communicate and help in treatment. The DSM has many editions. We are on the 5th edition currently. The Revised Texted (DSM 5-TR) was just published 3/18/22. They revise editions before the next edition comes up. In between times of new editions there is a magnitude of research happening. Research groups are formed and leaders in the world of psychology come together to discuss concerns and proposed changes. For example the DSM 3 listed homosexuality as a mental health disorder. It was published in 1980. Changes to the DSM 4 included taking that out as a mental health issue. It is constantly being researched and changed. This is a good article and explanation further: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4060802/#:~:text=The%20Diagnostic%20and%20Statistical%20Manual%20of%20Mental%20Disorders%20(DSM)%20is,the%20classification%20of%20mental%20disorders.

Personality Disorders

For someone to have a personality disorder it means that they do not have trauma that triggers them from time to time, they live their trauma and see the world through their trauma. Personalities stay constant over time. And for something to be characterized as a mental health disorder, it has to cause disruptions in every area of their life: social, professional ,interpersonal relationships, spiritually, etc. People with personality disorders do not understand that they are the cause of their difficulties with people and if they do they do not know how to fix it.

For more information please see this explanation from the American Psychiatric Association: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/personality-disorders/what-are-personality-disorders . As an empath I can always feel the pull of energy that people diagnosed with personality disorders exert. (For more information about empaths: the definition- https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empath, regarding empaths- https://www.gaia.com/article/what-is-an-empath-an-absorbent-intuitive-emotional-warrior?utm_source=google+paid&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=&utm_campaign=1-INTL-PERFORMANCE-MAX&utm_content=performancemax&gclid=CjwKCAjwrqqSBhBbEiwAlQeqGthbtfCzuKteOM4YyMWu5Xs1cQ79PZULFShvg6Vy97Ut5VK-YHmh8RoC_mkQAvD_BwE They are the ultimate “energy vampires,” but not the only ones. Judith Orloff has good information on “energy vampires.” I recommend her and her books, podcasts, website, and trainings for empaths. More information is here: https://drjudithorloff.com/

The prognosis or predicted course of recovery is not good for personality disorders. I was often told from professors in graduate school and mentors throughout my professional experiences in counseling that a personality disorder is no longer how you feel like depression or anxiety. A personality disorder does not effect just your thinking like schizophrenia. A personality disorder effects your thinking, feeling, and behaviors. It is who you are. That is why therapy has such a poor prognosis for treatment of them. It is possible with many years of therapy, medications, commitment, support, and maybe some alternative treatment that people can recover, but they are very difficult for average clinicians to treat.

You need to have a very experienced, healthy therapist and I believe it helps to have a team approach that all communicate and are on the same page with each other. Personality disorders are very difficult and can be draining for family members, co-workers, and even therapists.

Empathy and compassion for Personality Disorders

With all that said, they are extremely wounded people and I have the most empathy and compassion for them. You are not diagnosed with a personality disorder because you have had a great life. It has been a life full of trauma, pain, hurt, and great difficulties. I believe they are developed when we have been unable to deal with our vast amount of traumas. Anyone I have ever worked with that was diagnosed with a personality disorder is suffering greatly. It’s pervasive and they struggle to understand why they cannot get along with others and/or how to fix it. If that is not very sad, I do not know what is. You can have empathy and compassion for how people have become who they are or how they have arrived at their current situation without making excuses for them. Boundaries are necessary. Emotional boundaries in our minds to separate understanding how someone might feel and not making it an excuse for them.

Statistics of Personality Disorders

I have seen several statics about the number of people diagnosed with personality disorders. I have seen anywhere from 10-15% of the population. That is a very small percentage of the population. There are currently 10 different diagnoses we used for personality disorders: Antisocial Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, and Schizotypical Personality Disorder. So that 10-15% of the population is divided over 10 classifications. You are not supposed to diagnosis anyone clinically with a personality disorder until they are in their late 20’s, early 30’s because our brains are still growing until then (although many clinicians do, please look in the DSM 5 or DSM 5-TR). Many people grow emotionally exponentially between their teen years and young adulthood. The percentage seems even lower.

Who is diagnosing and why

The diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as with any personality disorder is a very serious, chronic, debilitating diagnosis that takes a skills, experienced, and trained mental professional evaluating an individual. This is not something done in a quick, brief, or senseless. Diagnoses can have serious and severe consequences for people. There is a lot of talk about why we use them, how to use them effectively and cautiously. It describes someone who has difficulty experiencing empathy, has a grandiose sense of self, surrounds themselves with people who uphold their irrational beliefs and when is confronted with information that conflicts or is contrary to what them uphold about themselves they can go into what is called “a narcissistic rage.”

Most therapists do not experience many people who truly meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder because they do not seek therapy. I have had some court ordered to see me. They usually spend their entire time criticizing the therapist, picking them apart, and finding reasons to assault the therapist’s qualifications to assess them or tell them anything about themselves. They may also admit to a lesser and non-issue they are willing to “give up” to deflect and distract from their true issues. they will not give up anything intimate or deep about themselves easily.

They can be really intelligent or just think they are. They are good at maintaining their core beliefs and to defend their fragile ego. They are very wounded people and this comes from a very deep and difficult place/trauma. It is very sad. I found most people who would qualify for this diagnosis in State Prison and in high levels of business (if that’s not very interesting and worth more exploration!). People with this Personality Disorder and like the other Personality Disorders do not maintain relationships well with others. It is a false sense of security build with a house of cards. for more information you can find it here:https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/

Lastly about clinical information regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you need to be an experienced clinician to diagnose any mental health disorders, let alone a personality disorder. Many clinicians and people read over the criteria for a diagnosis and believe that you just apply it to the person you are thinking about. 2 reasons why this is concerning: 1. Why don’t we just give people the criteria and they can diagnose themselves?? Because you need experience in seeing these diagnoses and personality disorders are not common. Borderline Personality Disorder is probably the most frequently diagnosed. And women are the most frequent gender diagnosed with it because of the way they display their symptoms. I worked in a men’s state prison and saw all the diagnoses!! I also saw many through my work as a Crisis Service worker out in the community working with police, hospitals, the county jail, homeless shelters, and emergency rooms. I also saw many working in the juvenile courts and placement facilities. Not many clinicians have those experiences.

2. Reason I am concerned with reading over the criteria and diagnosing people is that are emotional connection clouds our ability to be impartial and objective. This is the exact reason therapists do not see people they previously knew before therapy or are related to the people we provide therapy too. Even the most self-aware and healthy person will struggle with therapy. I strongly believe that all therapists should have gone through therapy to deal with their own issues and/or see a therapist through difficult times such as the last couple years with the pandemic, Black Lives Matters movement, and the last couple Presidential Elections. It has been rough being a therapist. I have my own therapist and I love and appreciate her so much! Master’s degree programs for mental health therapists are currently requiring therapy for students. I certainly do not want to hurt someone accidentally because I have not dealt with my own issues!

Looking at other possibilities

With all of that information perviously stated, are ALL of these people experiencing Narcissistic Personality Disorder that everyone has been buzzing about on TV, Podcasts, posts on social media, You Tube Videos, and in books? Likely they are not. But I understand why people are labeling it as such and how we can be more accurate, compassionate, empathetic, and understand our relationships better. If you have made it through all of this, hang in there! It’s about to become very interesting or triggering (I hope the former, but for me was always the latter…trigger warning and love and hugs).

Remember in the beginning I mentioned how people are labeling people as “narcissist” to describe someone they have been in a relationship with who was not taking responsibility, blaming them, shutting off their feelings, love bombing, creating a trauma bond with people, saying and doing really mean and hurtful things, and inflating their self-esteem. This sounds like the Avoidant Attachment Style to me.

Attachment Styles

Attachment Styles are not mental health disorders. They do not effect or interfere in all areas of our life. They only show up in our most intimate relationships such as our romantic relationships and friendships. Attachment styles have to do with our relationships with our parents/caregivers from birth to age 5 years old. We mimic these patterns of relationships later in life. I believe from my spiritual learnings that this is a chance to heal. Jeff Brown coined the term “wound mate” to describe these relationships instead of thinking of them as failed and a waste of time in his book “An Uncommon Bond.” I highly recommend him and his book. You can check him out here: https://jeffbrown.co/ . We really do show ourselves at our most vulnerable to the ones we truly love. Please remember that.

Attachment styles were researched over many years and by several researchers. Bowlby was the first researcher to look at attachment issues. Ainsworth built on Bowlby’s research and defined 3 major attachment styles: secure, ambivalent, and avoidant attachment styles. Main and Soloman added a 4th attachment style, the disorganized attachment style. To put this in perspective I graduated from my Master’s Degree program in 2003 for my degree in Community Counseling and the only attachment issue I knew about from my education was Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD-notice it’s labeled as a disorder and not a style). I had to learn about attachment styles much later and on my own.

For detailed information about these, I am sharing an article that I really like. It is sited by the original researchers and they added the researchers that show the different ways of conceptualizing attachment styles. It also answered my question why people have renamed the Ambivalent Attachment Style and the Avoidant Attachment Style. It also shows a video of Ainsworth. It is here: https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html . Please notice the percentages of the population for each attachment style. They maintain over time, which would mean the most people figure it out to produce secure attachment offspring. That is very optimistic to me!

I have only seen a handful of what I would describe as the Disorganized Attachment Style. For the purposes of this article I am focused on the Ambivalent and Avoidant Attachment Style. Both of these attachment styles show narcissistic traits, but in greatly different ways because of the specific attachment issue.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Attachment styles can cause Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is when we experience a traumatic event (it does not matter the severity of the event but how our brain makes sense of it) and it is stored in a different part of our brain than our other memories. It is triggered by thoughts and stimuli brought in by our 5 senses. When we experience a trigger our brain is acting as if this situation is happening at this current time and situation as it happened back then. you may feel anxious, have a panic attack, become frozen and unable to move, you may want to run, or you may become aggressive and want to fight.

The other symptoms of PTSD are anxiety, depression, start response (hyper-vigilance), increased irrational thoughts, difficulty regulating your emotions, free floating anxiety (seemly out of no where), and some experience addictions, suicidal thoughts, and engage in reckless behavior (people often believe or have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder to justify insurances to pay for medications or because of inexperience and lack of education, but that is for another article as well). PTSD can be caused from various events you may not consider or have thought about that could cause it such as:

People can also have multiple traumas that make things more complicated to treat, understand, heal from. We call it Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or C-PSTD. There are many difference between PSTD and CPTSD. I want you to be aware of these but for this article, I would like to focus briefly on PTSD.

Here is a great video about how your brain reacts to PTSD: https://www.myhealth.va.gov/mhv-portal-web/ss20211122-ptsd-and-your-brain?inheritRedirect=true#:~:text=If%20you%20have%20post%2Dtraumatic,decision%2Dmaking%2C%20and%20memory . Here is some basic information about PTSD: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder .

Brief summary of the Ambivalent Attachment Style

The Ambivalent Attachment Style (aka as the anxious attachment style) is an attachment style where the parents/caregivers give the baby/child love/support/nurturing but it is sporadic and inconsistent (for various reasons like work, illness, drug and alcohol, a sibling that needs greater care, etc. but not on purpose or to hurt or injury their offspring). You would see what most of us have called “separation anxiety,” when the parent drops off the baby/child they cry and cry and cry. This does not extinguish as it would with a baby/child with a secure attachment (consistent love/nurturing/support). When the parent returns there is a joyous and happy reunion that is like coming home to your beloved dog ( no one is as happy to see you as your dog or baby/child with the ambivalent attachment style, lol, a joke).

As a child they are not leaders, they are followers and struggle with creating boundaries for fear of losing people. They have difficulty ending relationships in real time. it can feel as if someone is taking their body part away from them. This can cause motivation to stay in relationships that are not healthy for them for a longer period of time than someone with a secure attachment style. All of the behaviors they do are to keep people from abandoning them including the difficulty of setting and maintaining boundaries. They are often called empaths. They can have the following characteristics:

A brief summary of the Avoidant Attachment Style

The Avoidant Attachment Style is the attachment style created because the parents/caregivers did not meet the baby’s/child’s need for love/support/nurturing. Because the baby did not get what they needed, they stop trying to ask or get it. That makes sense because who could keep setting themselves up for rejection over and over again. As a baby/child they do not react when left be their parents and then when the parents come to get them they are unfazed again.

They are usually followers or loners in school. They do not set boundaries or ask for their needs to be met. They turn their feelings off because their self-esteem is very low. They often boast about themselves to others about unrealistic achievements. They have difficulty taking responsibility for themselves and often blame others first. Their running thought is that people will hurt them. In most relationships they will have 1 foot out the door (not committing to someone completely, keeping an old apartment, flirting with others, etc.) because the thought of losing someone they have attached to is incredibly unbearable. they can have the following characteristics:

Probably the most important part of both attachment styles

From personal experience as an ambivalent attachment style person, I did not realize all of the things I was doing and why. Just as the avoidant attachment style is not consciously aware of most of the things they are doing. Both of these attachment styles occur on a continuum and everyone is at different levels of severity. Can they lead to personality disorders? Sure. But most people do not. If fact if you remember the statistics of the attachment styles, the numbers remain the same so that means a lot of folks figure it out/heal.

It is also very important to remember that this only happens with our closest relationships. That’s probably why when someone reports their partner has been a “narcissist” others are very surprised. They are not experiencing the same relationship with them as you are. Most people with attachment styles work them out at some point and do not keep perpetuating the patterns or cycles. I joke and say that I am a slow learner, but the reality is that I have a deep wound in this area and a lot to heal. It has taken me half of my life expectancy to figure it out. But it is so helpful and life changing!! So worth it!

The more we are working on ourselves and bringing our subconscious to our conscious we can see what is going on and then work to change it. I believe this is called shadow work and Carl Jung is the theorist. For more information about healing our shadow sides: https://lonerwolf.com/shadow-self/ . You can do this work on your own but I am a mental health therapist and life coach and I have a therapist to help with these things. They require honesty with self, trust with your professional, and dedication. This is can be very difficult and painful work. It is so worth it and rewarding.

To find a therapist in your area with your insurance ( if you are using your insurance for a licensed therapist at the time of this article being published therapists are only licensed per state, you need to find a therapist in your state), and specific issues you want to work on go here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us . Life coaches and spiritual coaches may be a little tougher to find. You can search online life coaches, life coaches in your area or a lot of us are on social media. i encourage everyone ad anyone to have an unbiased, professional helper of your choice to help identify and work through these issues.

Attachment styles are a form of trauma. That’s why both the ambivalent and the avoid attachment style person have a triggering and dysregulation of their mood. They display them in different ways. The ambivalent attachment style person can be seen as energetic, doing doing doing, outwardly anxious, “sensitive (and boy do I not like that word),” emotional, and over-functioning. the avoidant attachment style, although will be anxious as well, may come out as distancing, becoming quiet, disconnecting, unable to talk about their feelings, and under-functioning. Brene Brown has a great podcast about how we over function and under function as a result of anxiety: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-on-anxiety-calm-over-under-functioning/ .

The limbic system shows the same difficulty with both people, but on an energetic level it’s different. In an ambivalent attachment style the heart chakra and solar plexus chakra are connected backwards. They feel things very strongly and have difficulty standing in their power and setting boundaries/standing up for themselves. In the avoidant attachment style their heart chakra is not connected to their throat chakra or their solar plexus chakra. The throat chakra goes around the heart chakra to connect to the solar plexus chakra. This shows how they have shut off their feelings. Again, THIS IS ONLY HAPPENING WHEN BOTH ATTACHMENT STYLES ARE TRIGGERED. This is not all the time. In fact, both attachment style people can have really great boundaries in their careers. Usually both rely on outward or tangible achievements like degrees, certificates, awards, high status jobs, politics, living. Their relationships with everyone else may be great. It is only our closet relationships that trigger us and where we display our attachment issues.

Both attachment styles can display narcissistic traits

Let’s go back to the DSM for a second. The cornerstone of narcissism is a fragile ego. Both attachment styles have either an unstable self-esteem (the ambivalent) or not much/very low self-esteem (the avoidant). I think we can agree that both can be at fragile places, especially relying on external validation to feel good. When the ambivalent attachment style person is being triggered and does not feel their self-esteem being externally validated they can spiral and fall apart. The same can be said for the avoidant attachment style person when they are triggered and there’s no external validation to help them feel better.

The difference comes in how they seek feeling better about their fragile ego. the ambivalent will seek more validation externally at any cost depending on the severity of the attachment issue/wound. This means setting less boundaries than they have been setting. The avoidant attachment style person turns off their emotions because they cannot experience any more hurt. They will gas light others, blame others, bring in flying monkeys, say really mean things to assassinate people’s character, and can become physically aggressive (remember when we shut off our feelings we are not experiencing empathy and that is what keeps us from hurting others).

How would you like to be called a “narcissist?”

When we think about empathy, it asks us to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. If you are someone with an attachment style, which comes from a very broken place of trauma, would you appreciate or feel good if others are calling you a narcissist? I think you know the answer. I love my husband and he could be called a narcissist. That’s mean, uncaring, and not clinically true. I can be triggered into my trauma of attachment issues and be just as narcissistic but I do it in a covertly way. My husband does it in an overly way. We are both being unhealthy.

The best part about all this is that when I see people calling out their partners for being a “narcissist” they may actually be the one they are describing!! When the avoidant attachment style is triggered in their trauma they do not accept responsibility and often project their own issues on others. I am also concerned at the motivation of people calling their partners out publicly as a “narcissist.” We (and I say we because I did this as well, no judgment) are not standing in our power and seeing that we need to set boundaries and re-enforce them to keep ourselves safe. We (me too) cannot focus on our partners behaviors because we cannot change them. We can only focus on ourselves and our own behaviors to heal. We cannot change other people. They have to change themselves.

Thoughts that we can change others is deeply routed in co-dependence. Co-dependence is developed in dysfunctional families. That is a whole other article lol. I promise I will write. But when we hear stories about other people who have “changed” their partner or “stood by them,” what they mean is that they are heavily co-dependent and did not put themselves first or set healthy boundaries and are damn lucky they are not physically ill or dead. Seems dramatic, but our physical health is directly related to our mental health and will die younger from an inflammation based health issue. You can review that here: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/about.html (although it’s about violence prevention dysfunctional families covers a wide range of issues).

To recap: calling someone a “narcissist” is 1. not accurate 2. unkind/unempathetic 3. leaves us not standing in our power. I know this is a lot of information and a lot to digest and process. If you are not a trained and educated person in this area, please do not guess. This is difficult for many experienced therapists to learn, understand, and implement. It has taken me years to understand this dynamic and I hope to educate people to stop using these terms.

Where did these terms come from?

I choose to believe that these terms come from a place of trying to develop labels so that we may communicate about this difficult dynamic. For years people have been invalidated about their experiences because these were very difficult things to research and understand. We need labels and language to help heal. This article does not come from a critical or a negative outlook. I try to understand and have empathy because I know that I have always been doing the best I can with what I know. When we know better and/or different we can do better and/or different.

I would like to also write an article to show how these two attachment styles fit together and what that means. I felt that this was a good place to start to develop a larger picture of relationships with references you can look up for yourself and that are free. I welcome questions and discussions that are void of personal attacks and routed in understanding things better. I did not think this up over a couple of months. This has come form years of working with people and couples in therapy, my own path of healing, and years of learning spiritual concepts and theories.

What I am not saying

I am not saying that anyone in an emotional, physical, or financial abusive relationship should be compassionate and empathetic towards their partner and do not set boundaries that have consequences. I am not saying you need to stay with someone or others who are abusive towards you. Absolutely set boundaries that include pressing charges, leaving, ending and/or limiting contact with people who are abusing you! You can talk about people in an empathetic and compassionate way, feel empathy and compassion towards others and still put boundaries to keep yourself safe.

I loath the phrase “a bleeding heart.” I aim to be very empathetic and compassionate but I also aim to set boundaries and protect myself first. You should as well. I also have learned to take responsibility for my own actions and to stop trying to fix others. My job is to help others heal themselves, not to heal others by myself. I was taught in my Master’s degree classes to be careful that I am not working harder than the folks I am helping to heal. I have adopted matching people’s energies, trying to care for myself first, and discern who and where I spend my precious energy on. Not only does this keep me healthy, but I feel that the quality of my work has peaked. I want everyone else to be as healthy as they can be too!

A final thought

I hope that there are several things you have noticed in this article. I have no once spoke about gender. Gender does not matter. Why? Because it’s about ENERGY! There are males with avoidant, secure, ambivalent, and disorganized attachment styles. There are females with avoidant, secure, ambivalent and disorganized attachment styles. There are non binary folks with the same, gender fluid, and any other way people identity as. It’s about our attachment to our parents/caregivers.

You may also notice that I am not calling out specific people for anything. It is not my motive to hurt, criticize, or contradict others. I am presenting information period. We all build learning on what we have learned previously. We al have our place in the process. I may be just another person with thoughts about this.

Lastly, I have tried to keep this very factual and tried to be very mindful of my language and words chosen because I am aware of people being triggered while they read this. This is very difficult stuff to deal with. For some of us it’s our core wound as a person. I hope that is how we can all approach sensitive issues. The path to evolution and higher thinking is through relationships. Through relationships we can talk about differences of opinions and be heard. We do not all have to agree, but it helps to put our egos aside and remember our relationships with others are valuable. We cannot do this alone.

I wish everyone that is reading this love and light. I hope I can help at the very least to have people thinking and questioning what they know to be true! This comes from my passion to help people heal and be the best they can be for themselves first, other people they relate to, and on a larger scale to the world 🙂